The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
