i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
