the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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