Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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