Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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