The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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