My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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