so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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