Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
