I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
