I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
