There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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