She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
