He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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