I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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