i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
