Ambien. No doubt about it.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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