just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
