I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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