so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
