There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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