just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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