You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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