I have demons in me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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