i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
