Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
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