When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
