I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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