drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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