Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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