my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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