I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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