Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
