I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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