I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Randomize
