She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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