Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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