Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
