I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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