I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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