im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think your dad took our porno
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
