your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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