dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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