If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
