I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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