If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
