omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
