Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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