I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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