Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
