I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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