worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
