God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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