I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
