No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize