When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
