Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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