mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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