if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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