even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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