This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
P.S. I can't hear my feet
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
