Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
