Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize