She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
