She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my being single is dangerous.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Randomize