Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you win again, gameday.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
