I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Of course I have a pirate flag
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
